I still haven't found what I'm looking for

This week as I was driving by myself, I was listening to songs on my Ipod and a song came on that really made me think, it actually did more than that. As I listened I could tell that God was really speaking to my heart. The song is the U2’s “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.” As I listened to it maybe 3 or so times, I knew that it would be my next blog. It was the live set and so before Bono begins singing he says, “this is a gospel song, a kind of restless spirit.” And it truly is. The chorus itself is a continuous, “But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”. I remember so many times listening to that song and thinking, so what is it that He’s looking for? What is he talking about? Actually, I thought wow, I sure feel sorry for him. But then I realized we’ve all asked this question at one time or another in our lives. Maybe even several times.

The words of the first verse go like this;

I have climbed highest mountains

I have run through the fields

Only to be with you

Only to be with you

I have run

I have crawled

I have scaled these city walls

These city walls

Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

These lyrics describe a spiritual yearning. A God-yearning. I have been a Christian for most of my life, about 25 years. In those 25 years there has been moments in my life and even seasons where my heart has cried out, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. And I know this because much of my life as a Christian, (not always, but most of the time), I have looked at God as one who loves the world and loves me. Yet how can if be that He often feels so far away? Almost like He seems untouchable. Much of this is because of what I’ve been taught. That if I really want to know Him somehow, I need to fix myself first. Pray more, read more, sin less, pretty much be perfect. Then I could touch God and He would want me. I could just never get there. I was taught that it is about God’s grace, but then next sentence would be based on how I should get there. I couldn’t reach God and I was miserable trying!

So this verse to me was eye opening. I’ve been there. I’ve tried climbing the highest mountains, scaled walls and especially crawled just to be with God. But in all of that I wasn’t fulfilled. I didn’t seem any closer. So what would I do? Try harder, do more and heap a bunch of condemnation onto myself. It was a deep dark place to be.

Finally one day I gave up and I surrendered. I told God, I couldn’t do this anymore. I’ve tried everything! It’s like God told me, “Yes, everything but that!” You see, God in His goodness showed me that I was never created to try and strive to reach Him. All that would be required of me was to open up my heart to Him and surrender. He would meet me in that place. When He did, WOW, He really did! It was like He breathed life into me. I could now breathe and through that God has brought me much healing.

I can enjoy life and I can enjoy Him! I’m finding that prayer, reading and studying is really a time for me to grow and freely experience the God who loves me so much. It doesn’t need to look a certain way or be certain amount of time. It isn’t a duty and a striving. God wants us to enjoy Him and He wants to enjoy us. This is why we were created. To walk with Him just like Adam and Eve did in the garden. It’s a beautiful thing!