In my last blog, I talked about the account in Genesis where God warns Cain that sin is crouching at his door, desiring to have him, and how he must master it (or in the ESV version, rule over it). We then see Cain choose to not listen to God. Instead he lets his anger burn as he acted out. Funny how lessons learned as we study and read, play out in our own lives. I believe with all my heart that God wanted me to remember this as I've gone through the past two weeks. I have found myself very frustrated with pretty much everything, agitated to say the least. I have been short with my kids, mean to my husband, angry with others and just flat out have had a very bad attitude. The reality is that I've been completely ugly. And I feel it. It is an awful feeling. Sure during the yelling, rage or however it has manifested itself, I'm not really thinking about the ugliness of it. But as I've gone to bed at the end of the day it has brought much heart ache and tears. I hate it and I'm suppose to.
Last night, as I laid in bed asking God to forgive me, He quickly reminded me of Cain. How Cain had every opportunity to master the sin crouching at his door. And how God was right there to help him. God doesn't want me or any of us to try and do that on our own. The reality is most of the time it just seems impossible to do. As I was thinking and praying about it, I realized that we do have choices in the mater and for the believer we have the promised Holy Spirit. He is the power and the fire of God that brings conviction as well as the strength to overcome battles that seem much bigger than us. Can I just say how relieved I am to know this. And yes, I knew it before hand but I just needed to be reminded. I know the conviction can be tough to wrestle with but it is for our good. It keeps us from things that are very destructive. I was also reminded of the faithfulness and goodness of God. That He is quick to forgive and slow to be angry. In spite of my sin, He loves me even still. That no matter how ugly I've been and how deep I've gone, He is ever present and extends His mercy to me and covers me in His grace.
Sin not only hurts us but it usually hurts those we care most about. I mentioned it but I have been very short with my kids and my husband. I have not practiced much patience the past few weeks. Although I know they love me very much, I can also tell that they would just rather not be around me. That is a very hard reality. I know if I'm not careful, this can be very damaging. I want my family to know they can always come to me and I want them to enjoy me as their wife and mommy. I want my kids to grow up remembering the good times with Mommy and that she was patient and loving. Even when she was mad and had to discipline, she did so with love. So with that, I've learned that I need to ask them for forgiveness. Can I just say how good that is for children to see? Some would never think of admitting to their children they were wrong. But it is so good to be humble and transparent before them. It teaches them to do the same.
Finally, I just wanted to point out that sin is and will always be (this side of eternity) crouching at our door, desiring to have us. God wants us to master it. Will I fail at times? Yes! Will you? Yes! My battles and weaknesses most likely look very different than yours. Regardless, I think it is something we need to continue to take before the Lord and ask for His help. When we fail, we need to ask for His forgiveness as well as others. Is it easy? No it isn't! I've had to make a very conscious effort to work hard at it everyday. I've caught myself quite a few times, but I can tell that praying about it has made all the difference. As well as admitting to my children I do have issues but I'm committed to work on them. It makes for a better day that is for sure. I'm excited for bed tonight knowing that my day hasn't been ruined because of a bad attitude.
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