Reacting to quickly! A poor excuse to be ugly.

I made a decision this summer that I would increase my reading as well as purposefully spend more quality time with my kids. I'm really learning so much as I do. God is also using everyday experiences and conversations with dear friends to speak and illuminate different things to me. I'm grateful for seasons of learning, but it can be a really tough thing as well. Especially when it requires an inner transformation, like surgery on one's heart. It has been very uncomfortable (and even painful), but I know how necessary it really is. I also know God creates something beautiful of it in the end. So here I am, ready to share the lessons I'm learning. I pray that as I share with honesty and transparency that someone will be encouraged and perhaps learn something as well. As I share what God is dealing with me personally, as well as adding my own opinions and thoughts on things (especially the really hard stuff), my hope is that you'd be open and feel free to share your own experiences. Even if you feel very differently about things! We are all on a journey in a world that is far from perfect and is full of imperfect people, longing for something more and something good!

So, here I go. One thing that has become more and more evident to me is the fact I often react to quickly and harshly in certain situations. It's not always a bad thing to react quickly, especially being a mom of two little ones. What can compare to a mother's instinct? Sensing that danger is about to happen, and when it does, moving quickly to rescue her child. In that sense, reacting quickly is definitely a good thing. I wish that's what I was talking about here. However, I'm finding that my quick reactions are usually responses of anger, hurt, or in my perceive "right" to defend myself. I end up feeling really guilty and regretting it after the fact. There has got to be a better way to handle these things.

I grew up in a very loving home with a dad who was (and still is) a great provider. He has taught and instilled in me the value and importance of working hard. I also grew up with a mom who was very nurturing and giving of herself. But even in the best of homes, there are issues. I know for the Fallis household, one of our biggest issues was (and still is) having a short fuse. Growing up, it didn't take too much to get one of us upset. When we did, the result was usually elevated voices and lots of yelling. Funny how when you live this way you don't notice it as much as others do. When I married Mario, who is much more mellow and patient with his responses, I began to realize how deep seeded this issue really was. This surfaced mostly by observing how differently we reacted to the same situations. In addition, Mario's kind words often rubbed me the wrong way. I can't lie, I wasn't always grateful for that, at times even angry. But I definitely don't feel that way now.

Growing up, I just though, "Well, this is how we are, it's just our personality." I'm reminded how often I used that excuse to justify my ugliness. It's just wrong! I was not created to have and ugly personality. None of us were. If God tells us to be self-controlled then that's the way He created us to be, although sin came into the picture. I'm learning that even in a world that is sinful and imperfect, God still desires for His children to be self-controlled. I'm grateful it isn't something I need to battle and conquer on my own. God is more than willing to help me overcome and even set me free from such a stronghold.

So how do you do that? First let me say, we all have our own struggles and this might not be yours, but I think we battle them just the same. We can work to overcome them or let them rule over us. I don't know about you but I want to change. I want to be a more patient, self-controlled and loving woman, wife, mom and friend. I don't want to be quick to react when things rub me the wrong way or upset me. I definitely don't want my kids thinking this is normal. So what to do? For me, I need to surrender daily to the Lord and give this over to Him by asking Him to help me. Only He can overcome a monster this big. Prayer is numero uno for me When I'm finding myself i situations where I can react to quickly, I'm learning to stop, take a deep breath and ask God to help me with it. Especially when situations arise that are hurtful and make me angry. I'm still not a pro at doing that. In fact, I find myself failing more than succeeding, but I'm also learning that grace is much bigger than I know and character development takes time. I'm so grateful for that! It has been a very humbling process when I do fail, to have to admit and ask for forgiveness. I'm getting pretty good at that though! I think my children are shocked at the number of times when I've gone to the to say I'm sorry and ask for their forgiveness. But wow, what an awesome thing for them to see and learn.

I don't want to waste anymore time and energy on reacting to things that, as time passes, won't even matter. This may be a battle I fight for the rest of my life but one I'm willing to fight. I know that where I am weak, He (God) is strong! My prayer is not only to conquer this but also to react quickly to the things that are most important in this life. Like being there for someone who needs a friend, being generous and encouraging, and praying for someone who needs it!